Dear ‘Moju’,

Yes, i know this is what Papa used to call you, what a sweet and cool name he had given to you or to say ‘us’. This letter is particularly important for you so read it alone.

I am no one else but your older self who is writing to console you some hope, to let you know it is real what you’re facing, and it has nothing to do with ‘your’ fault, so please do not fall prey to the guilt trap.

I know this time you have only Mum & Dad to whom you look for love, affection, protection & it’s disheartening to see your idols ignoring your need & just keep killing your innocence day & night.

Let me tell you some of the harsh truths which are not easy for you to accept. You might even think if you should trust me or not but except me there shall is no one who cares for you.

The fact is that we tend to escape the truth and keep avoiding it. People say parents are next to God, may be its true for most of them but not for everyone.

And my dear you are one of them. You see it day and night, keep looking for ‘them’ all the time, but they are not here. It’s of no use to keep trying to meddle the crisis in between them, it’s not your job.

It’s not you who need to understand but they. You’re the kid, not they.

Once you learn to stop caring ‘too’ much about their mental health yours will start to improve. Do not fall for their emotional blackmail tactics. They shed tears to use you as a weapon against each other. It’s a war going on among them, & it will kill you if you did not awake.

I can’t stress this fact enough, your vulnerability shall cost you in the form of mental health & a weak, hollow hallucinated personality who shall have a highly distorted view of this world.

You notice this already how you feel squeezed when it comes to perform, to deliver, it’s like you’ve been sentenced a term of intense labour with no scope of doing mistake.

You see how a loud sound or a shout gives you knee jerk shock, like what’s the next fear waiting for you. This is all the sign the irreversible damage which our parents have caused to ‘us’.

They took all you have, your childhood- it is not taken but stolen from you, they just robbed you emotionally, look inside you what you are in this age already.

You know nothing about love. You will never trust anyone in life, love shall haunt you like an evil spirit. Now you shall only act the tough guy, there is no scope left to enter your space.

You have gone cocoon, which will be only hurting your size to expand, you would want to break but wouldn’t do it. This tendency to play safe, avoiding risk, will turn into procrastination which shall kill all the potential you have.

You’re being taken for granted by them & now you are too doing the same by not acknowledging for you, it’s ‘you’ who matters above & all. We are mortals, all humans are, time never stops, this shall too pass.

A time will come when all that plays out around you will vanish like water in the air.

This world is not going to look after you, nobody will. Wake up, stop blaming for yourself, stop fantasising an ideal family, just stop it. You have toxic parents, accept it.

They’re so lost in their egos that they can’t see the flowers in their garden shrinking day by day. They are not going to change, you must.

I am just dying to be you once again, want to start again. I only wished to pass one more day, one more day but never wished to live any day. The curse to humans is the ability to think, to keep remembering, to keep storing in the mind, living trauma day & night.

My mind has become a projector of a horror script that illustrates the extent to which a human can think. I keep thinking of perfection if it’s not perfect it’s just a waste of time. The perfection which never comes to shape. This is terrifying so much that i started to avoid doing anything just because i never reach its perfect form.

Shame is always looking to attack me. My foundation lies on the ground of self-doubt tectonic plates, it can shift this or that way, anyway. To wound me is just a tiny remark away. Say it, & see it, you don’t have to do much.

I may look alone & silent to you but there is continuous chatter keep going in my head that never stops commenting on my life, judging, analysing, taking a position on this or that, interpreting, regretting for an incident which i failed to do or should have avoided to do.

I can keep writing it to no end, what has imprinted on me in my childhood is now my identity. They have named it introvert, unconfident, a man with social anxiety, & all that nonsense. What seems like just a conversation to others is something that my whole existence depends on if i could not do it properly.

“I have lived only waiting to live, wish if i could unconditioned me somehow”.

Desi Neo.